FZ: Cheepnis

Frank Zappa Discusses Cheesy Movies

The song Cheepnis is taken from the 1974 live album Roxy and Elsewhere.

Download Cheepnis.MP3 (6.3mb)

(Spoken)

Cheepnis! Let me tell you something, do you like monster movies? Anybody... I love monster movies! I simply adore monster movies and the cheaper they are the better they are... and cheepnis in the case of a monster movie has nothing to do with the budget of the film... although it helps... but... true cheepnis is exemplified by visible nylon strings attached to the jaw of a giant spider... I tell you, a good one that I saw one time... I think the name of the film was "It Conquered The World"... and... Did you ever seen that one? The monster looks sort like an inverted ice-cream cone with teeth around the bottom... it's like a teepee or... sort of a rounded off pup tent affair... and it's got fangs on the base of it, I don't know why, but it's a very threatening sight... Then it's got a frown... and, you know, ugly mouth and everything... and there's this one scene where the monster is coming out of the cave, see? There's always a scene where they come out of the cave, at least once... and the rest of the cast... it musta been made around the 1950's... the lapels are about like that wide... with ties about that wide and about this short... and they always have a little revolver that they're gonna shoot the monster with... and there's always a girl who falls down and twists her ankle... hey hey... 'course there is... you know how they are... the weaker sex and everything, twisting their ankle on behalf of the little ice-cream cone... well, in this particular scene... in this scene, folks... they didn't wanna retake it 'cause it must have been so good they wanted to keep it, but then when the monster came out of the cave, just over on the left hand side of the screen you can see about this much two-by-four attached to the bottom of the thing as the guy is pushing it out... and then... obviously off camera somebody's going: "No, get it back!" and they drag it back just a little bit as the guy's going: "KCH! KCH!" Now that's cheepnis... awright... and this is Cheepnis here... One, two, three, four ...

(Sung)

I ate a hot dog

It tasted real good

Then I watched a movie

From Hollywood

I ate a hot dog

It tasted real good

Yum yum yummy yummy yum

Then I watched a movie

From Hollywood

Dum dum dummy dummy dum

Little Miss Muffett on a squat by me, yeah

Took a turn around, I said: Can y'all see now?

The little strings on the Giant Spider?"

The Zipper From The Black Lagoon?

The vents by the tanks where the bubbles go up?

(And the flaps on the side of the moon)

The jelly & paint on the 40 watt bulb

They use when the slime droozle off

The rumples & the wrinkles in the cardboard rock, yeah

And the canvas of the cave is too soft

The suits & the hats & the tie's too wide

And too short for the scientist man

The chemistry lady with the roll-away mind, yeah

While the monster just ate Japan

Ladies and gentlemen,

The monster,

Which the peasants in this area call FRUNOBULAX

(Apparently a very large poodle dog)

Has just been seen approaching The Power Plant

Bullets can't stop it

Rockets can't stop it

We may have to use NUCLEAR FORCE!

HERE COMES THAT POODLE DOG!

BIG AS A BLIMP

WITH A RHINESTONE COLLAR

SNAPPIN' OFF THE TREES

LIKE THEY WAS BONSAI'D ORNAMENTS

ON A DRY-WOBBLE LANDSCAPE

KEEP IT AWAY!

DON'T LET THE POODLE BITE ME!

WE CAN'T LET IT REPRODUCE!

OH!

SOMEBODY GET OUT THE PANTS!

The National Guard has formed up

at the base of the mountain

And is attempting to lure the enormous poodle

towards the cave

Where they hope to destroy it with napalm

A thousand of the troopers are now lined up

and are calling to the monster...

Here Fido

GOT A GREAT BIG SLIMEY THING

GOT A GREAT BIG HEAVY THING

GOT A GREAT BIG POODLE THING

GOT A GREAT BIG HAIRY THING

GOT A GREAT BIG SLIMEY THING

GOT A GREAT BIG HEAVY THING

GOT A GREAT BIG POODLE THING

GOT A GREAT BIG HAIRY THING

C'mon! Everybody! Hurry! Let's go!

Somebody get the distilled water! Get the canned goods!

Get the toilet paper! You know we need it!

GO TO DA SHELTER

MY BABY, MY BABY,

GO TO DA SHELTER

MY BABY, MY BABY,

GO TO DA SHELTER

Little Miss Muffett on a squat by me,

Can ya see the little string danglin' down

Makes the legs go wobble an' the mouth flop shut, yeah

An' the HORRIBLE EYE,

An' that HORRIBLE EYE,

An' that HORRIBLE EYE

Go rollin' around

Can y'see it all

Can y'see it from here

Can y'laugh till yer weak on yer knees

If you can't, I'm sorry 'cause that's all I wanna know

I need a little more cheepnis please